We werent exclusive. But when I saw him with someone else, I was hurt.

July 15, 2024

“Are you really heartbroken or is your ego bruised?” A male friend calmly asked as I flailed my arms, raised my voice and explained what I had just seen as we walked down the street together.

“I didn’t say heartbroken. But, yes, I’m hurt. I’m very hurt!” I insisted. “This has nothing to do with my ego.” But I hesitated as I said it and he smiled knowingly.

“Tell me again, exactly what happened.”

What had happened? I had been blindsided. In between meetings I decided to kill two hours at the movies. I texted a friend who lived nearby to meet me, bought my ticket and was idly waiting for her to arrive or for the earlier showing of the movie to let out so I could claim seats. The door to the theater I was waiting for abruptly banged open and I watched as a guy I’ve been dating came hurrying out with a beautiful girl in tow. If he had glanced left he would have looked me right in the face, but luckily he continued briskly around the corner and out of sight.

I tried to register what I had just seen. Had they been holding hands? No. Did I recognize her? No. Had he asked me if I was free this afternoon? No.

My friend arrived and I spent the next two hours sitting in the theater in a daze. He wasn’t my boyfriend, I reasoned. And while we were seeing each other, I had also gone out with two different guys. But I liked him the best.

I felt sick to my stomach. And sad. Weirdly, I didn’t feel mad because I knew I had no right to be. But as the day continued and I met up with my friend who was asking these difficult questions, the more uncomfortable I felt.

“Okay, maybe it’s a little bit about him choosing someone else over me,” I hedged. “But still. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months. Does this mean he’s not feeling connected enough to me that he had to go out with someone else?”

“Shouldn’t you be asking yourself the same question?” my friend countered.

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“Yeah, but that’s different,” I said. “I’m keeping one foot out the door to protect myself until I know where things stand.”

“Then how come he isn’t also allowed to do that? Why should you get to do whatever you want and he can only see you until you two decide whether or not you’re going for it?”

I knew he was right. When I’m not exclusive with someone, going on casual dates with other people can seem fine — healthy, even — when I’m the one doing it. I’m just protecting myself! Keeping myself from getting too attached to any one person too soon. And yet, it seems abominable when I see someone I’ve become attached to out with someone else.

“Listen,” he said, looking at me sympathetically, “If you’ve got feelings and you know what they are and the other person doesn’t, it’s unfair to hold him responsible for hurting them.”

I did need to tell this guy how I felt about him. So as non-confrontationally as possible, I told him that I had seen him out with someone else. It developed into an honest discussion about what we both were doing when we weren’t spending time together. The relief I felt — that we both like each other but that we’re still in the process of figuring out our feelings — was huge. And the conversation was far less emotional than I had expected. And because our conversation was so open, I actually felt a strong connection between us. We both realized that it’s one thing to assume that the person you’re dating casually has other people in their life, but it can be incredibly jarring to witness it.

We’re still “figuring it out,” but we’re doing it by communicating more openly — which seems to be our best option.

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